Deep thoughts.....

It's amazing how certain events put things in your life into persepective. You know, I was with Jeffery for almost 7 years. In 7 years, a lot of things happen...a lot of friendships are forged...a lot of family becomes closer. I learned very quickly to love his parents. His mom spoiled us silly at Christmas and cooked feasts everytime we visited and his dad was always such a loving person who always had an extra hug and a long story to tell. Holidays, vacations, and long weekends were spent at their house, hanging out, being lazy....shopping...

Now that Dave is gone, it really makes me look even deeper into my life. I KNOW that I've made horrible mistakes...ones in which I could never even possibly start to take back...and I know that there are many people out there who feel that A) I deserve to be horribly miserable or B) that my life is all jolly jolly and that I am a horrible person for being who I am. This isn't the time nor the place to respond to those people...because it doesn't matter how long of a post I write or how much I apologize...in their eyes, I will just be who I was/am to them. But I'm not that person. I have made an effort to improve my life, improve my ways of dealing with things, and improve the relationships I can salvage from the mess I made of my life. That effort isn't going to end because I've reached some "goal" in my life...it's not a destination..it's a journey. I'm not some holier than thou person...I have many many faults. I don't write on this website so that people will think things that aren't true about me. I'm not overly picture friendly of Isabelle because I want people to THINK I'm a good mom...I write on this blog to express myself...I write on this blog so that I can update friends and family on me....I am not creating a "new" me...I'm not revamping my lifestyle.

I care a great deal about the people in my life that I've lost. Not through death, but through my bad choices. Hearing Jeff the way that I heard him yesterday ripped my heart out. I am hardly a cold hearted person, I am rather a stupid one...but not one that doesn't and hasn't learned from her mistakes. There are many people in my life that I no longer have a relationship with or have a strained one with...those people deserve to be happy...I would never want to withhold happiness from them...rather, I'd prefer for them to be happy and carefree and well....them. Seeing my ex happy is a double edged sword. But I feel SO much better knowing that he has someone with him right now. I can't play that role anymore...but my heart is still there with him....I loved his dad very much...and my mourning, even though not in the role that I would have played had we stayed married is still there and still very very painful. I'm not sure why I'm writing this vent...maybe because I just need to get it down and out of my mind..maybe because I've been wanting to write something like this for sometime but needed something like this to happen before I could...

The only thing I know for sure. Looking in at me and making judgements is sometimes an easy thing to do. The people in my life who know the Amy I've become and the Amy I want to be, they are the people I have to look to...because I am being real with them....I learned that lesson the hard way.